A Life of Managed Chaos

I’m at a crossroads.  So many things in play.

I began General Hysteria, really, for me.  I began General Hysteria for any other special needs parents that felt alone; any parent, regardless of needs, that felt isolated, unsure.  In my haste to share this proud endeavor, I let a little leak to those around me.  I wanted to share…to share my excitement, to share my thoughts, for others to hear my words and understand my actions.

Somewhere in there, I would be remiss if I didn’t admit that I was hopeful to be a very successful blogger.   To do that, I quickly learned, takes an enormous amount of time.  The kind of time my life does not allow for.  That dream faded, which made the previous, more important purpose of the blog stand out even more.

Since then, I started writing at the Examiner, finding it even more time-consuming with absolutely NO pay, ending that fairly quickly (if you didn’t already know). During the Examiner months, I became looser with my identity, directing readers of my Examiner page to this blog and around again.  I marketed myself, as was the Examiner way, to the community around me.  I wanted the writing to grow, the audience to grow, the possibilities to grow.  Which meant of course, I lost all anonymity that I had built.  Anyone who knows me can see this, read this.  Anyone.

I feel judgment around me.  I feel the distances created, the friendships stretched.  I have found myself surrounded with those who believe because they’ve read my blog for a short time, or even the entire time, that they can come into my life and tell me what to do, that they can do it better, would do it better.  I’ve found myself surrounded with people who believe they actually ‘understand’ our family situation when they don’t; they couldn’t.  Having a special needs child with significant behavioral issues coupled with physical challenges and developmental disabilities is very different than any other situation.  Having two younger siblings you’ve had to protect for 3 years, all day, every second of the day as the main caregiver for 3 years is different.  Having a husband gone (though he would prefer not to be) during the roughest times of the day, different.

Here, in my place of solace, I can’t even express this.  Here, in my place of solace, where I once believed that I could educate those around me to the reasons why I do what I do, why our family operates the way it does, I find myself at a crossroads.  There hasn’t been education for those who know me, us.  There has been continued distance for those who’ve chosen not to participate with our family short of what’s obligatory; there has been judgment by almost all others who know us.  That part of letting loose my identity has failed.

With no ability to speak out without ramifications of continued isolation, judgment and whispers by those for whom understanding is, understandably, beyond their grasp…with no ability to vent, release, feel comfortable within my own words, my writing has lost all passion it once held.  I find myself censored and discovering that I may have to end the one thing that helps me through, that I may have this blog, place I’ve made home.

And yet.  And yet, I find the people I have met in the blogosphere to be some of the kindest, lightest, most understanding people I could be surrounded by.  And I don’t want to leave.  I don’t want to leave this comfortable place that gives me all that I’m lacking “in real life”.  I don’t want to leave this place…

Of my own doing, it pisses me off.  I love my blog.  I just rebuilt it myself.  I absolutely love my identity of “MiaHysteria”.  I love who I am in this place and I’ve put myself in the position that I may have to leave it.

Abandon my blog leaving it a shell of what it was to be, floating in the blogosphere no longer anchored.  Start over.  Or just end all together.

I’m at a crossroads.

Tagged as: about, Examiner, friendships, grief, life, Motherhood, parenting, Special Needs

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