BUT….
For so many years, and on recent extensions of bad days clustered together to form an impenetrable cloud, I was stuck in a place where mentally I felt as though everything was happening TO us.
Nothing was right. No positive decision produced a positive outcome. No positive event ended well. Good intentions weren’t enough; the help we received from others could barely “scratch the surface”.
The eternal optimist in me was struggling. Evidenced by way of my inability to entice my husband out of his pessimistic ways, I was less and less able to find the bright side of situations and present these to him as a different way of looking at things. His pessimism grew as he struggled to see that our life was not a pool in which we were slowly drowning. Instead, with him, I was drowning in the loss of brightness, in the swirl of the confusing, ambushing storm that seemed to overtake our lives.
It has taken this time to understand something so simple and basic that it saddens me to know how much precious time I lost… I can be responsible for my reactions and actions towards our life. I am responsible for THAT.
I can not succumb to feeling as though we’re on a puppet string being pulled through our life on a lazy directionless kite, I can be the narrator of our path. I am the one in control of the direction of the chapters, and in some instances the chapters themselves.
I can be responsible, as I have been to following through to each referral, each hinting as to which direction we should peer in to find the piece of the puzzle that is lost among the chaos. I am the one who can hold professionals accountable, follow up on our meetings, ask for more assistance, fill out the endless piles of paperwork, fight the fights with insurance companies, maintain good relationships with schools, sniff out reasonable and prolifically helpful programs. I am the one who can do the research, present the findings (as I have in the past). I am the one who can find the alternative therapies.
I am the one who is to be our family’s guardian, teacher, cheerleader, mentor. If I don’t remain positive, pulling myself out from the depth to which we have found ourselves in the past, who will. I am responsible for guiding our family, whatever gifts or challenges we have, collecting them in the package of our uniqueness and charging us forward into a brighter future.
(Photo By: Rafael Lopes – Dillbert)
{ 4 comments }
“collecting them in the package of our uniqueness” resonates with me, Mia. Because everyone’s journey is unique, every family and its insane dynamics is unique.
I think every optimist needs a refreshing drink from the well of understanding. Difficult as it is to find that refreshing place, I think you’re succeeding and your family is very lucky to have you as their guardian.
Talon~ I only wish my days of drinking from the well will continue to out way any feelings of drowning…
Do you ever notice how much of life is all about balance? I hope the well is always plentiful for you, Mia, but never overwhelming.
Talon~ It’s seems the whole of life includes a great deal of balance. I’ve been so far on the other side for too long and I’d like to get back to how the balance was prior to my near drowning. LOL.
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