The Loss

Last week, I found myself literally standing before school administrators, tearing.

Driving into our designated handicap parking area, our meeting area for Alex and his para to meet, I was crying; he was crying.  It was stifled as much as I could possibly manage.  A few quick, deep breaths promised to keep it under control.  The promise was broken.

Alex was heartbroken.  He looked worried, unbearable sadness threatened to overcome him as his mind struggled to grasp what I had been discussing with him.  Another teacher is leaving.  Another teacher, para, who has been with him since his first day of school 1.5 years ago.  A para for whom he has obvious fondness for; he brings home jokes and thoughts about his days with her.  She doesn’t want to, but she is leaving and she is the third.

His first para, the woman specifically working with him the majority of the time, the one who figured out how he works, what motivates him, when to push and when to back off, left just before Christmas.  His daddy is not able to be involved with him as much as either would prefer right now, the second para is no longer there in the same capacity, and now he’s losing another person he relies on, counts on and is comforted by.

So much loss.  So hard to explain, to describe in a way that he can understand.  His ability to express his feelings about all that’s transpired, about the future hole that will be left in his days.  He is overcome, and so am I.  For the pain that I can not take away, for the events I can not explain, for the loss I can not fill, for all I can not control.

Tearing now, I know that my heart is broken for him.

Tagged as: Alex, Autism, cerebral palsy, Landau-Kleffner Syndrome, life, Motherhood, School, Special Needs