A Word To The Wise Or Rather The Not So Wise

Do not come to my house trying to sell me things Mr. Solicitor. I will not buy anything you are trying to sell, I will not subscribe to your newspaper or magazine and I do not want to discuss with you why I don’t want what ever you are pushing. Do not make jokes with me like, “Did you know you are holding a dog?”.

Yes, I know I am holding a dog. I picked her up when I answered the door to keep her from biting you. Next time I will let her bite you and if she doesn’t, I WILL! When I tell you am I not interested, take a hint and leave. Do not try to pressure me and force me to repeat myself. I AM NOT INTERESTED!!!! Next time I will not be so nice. Next time I will push you down, steal your clipboard and slam the door in your face. That’s after the dog bites you. This does not include Girl Scouts, I love Girl Scout cookies. Especially if they’re made from fresh Girl Scouts.

Do not ride your bike through the parking lot Teenage Punk, cutting in front of my shopping cart and forcing me to stop short and run over my own toe. Didn’t your momma teach you any manners? Next time I will not be so nice. Next time I will ram you with my cart knocking you down and then roll my buggy over you on my way to the car.

Do not think that because my son was raised to be a gentleman that you can punch him in the chest Little Miss 8th Grade Tart. I raised my son to never hit a lady, but you are not a lady, you are a little bitch. Next time he will not be so nice. Next time my son will beat the crap out of you with my permission. Go tell your parents, if they don’t like it, they can talk to me and I will beat the crap out of them too.

Do not call me from your hotel room Mr. Boyfriend and proceed to pick a fight with me. I love you very much and need to miss you during the week so that I can fully appreciate you when you are home on the weekends. Do not profess your love to me and then make some crappy remark that you know will piss me off. Next time I will not be so nice. Next time I will hang up on you and refuse to answer the phone when you call back. Then I will spit in your eye when you get home. (Just kidding baby, you know I can’t stay mad at you.)