My Boyfriend’s A Chocoholic

My boyfriend is short. Not midget short, but he is probably a good 3 or 4 inches shorter than I am. How cruel is it of me to place things out of his reach (say, on top of the ceiling fan motor or in the cabinet above the refrigerator) and laugh my ass off while he tries to find and reach them?

It is partially self-defense on my part – especially when it comes to anything chocolate. If there is any chocolate in the house, he will be a pig and eat it all. For instance, if I buy some Hershey miniatures, instead of just eating all the Mr. Goodbars (which I hate) and the plain Hershey bars (which are okay, but not my favorite) he will also eat the majority of the Krackel bars and the Special Dark bars (my absolute favorite). I might end up getting 1/8th of the bag.

And don’t let me get started about chocolate ice cream. If I buy the kind with chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry (Neapolitan) he will eat all the chocolate and not touch the vanilla and strawberry. Thank you, the rest of us didn’t want any chocolate. Is it wrong of me to laugh when the chocolate ice cream gives him the shits because he is lactose intolerant?

You may ask, what set me off on this subject? I guess you could say I am really jonesing for some chocolate right now (it’s a hormonal thing). My boyfriend voluntarily goes to the corner gas station and brings me back a candy bar. I sincerely thanked him and set it aside as I was eating my dinner at the time. Then he starts this passive-aggressive crap about how he was so wrapped up in what I need that he forgets to get anything for himself, and that he is just gonna have to start thinking about himself from now on.

Well, there’s no way am I eating this candy bar now and I told him so. Next thing I know, he has gobbled down the candy bar and then tells me he will make me a “cocoa pie”. What the hell is a “cocoa pie” and how does this in any way make up for a Snickers bar?

I told him to stick his “cocoa pie” up his keister and he responds by laughing and then going to bed. I wonder if he will be laughing in the morning when his cigarettes are on top of the ceiling fan?